I’m sorry that I haven’t been blogging. To be very honest, a lot has happened in my life in the past year and a half, and I don’t even know where to begin.
I think I’m blogging tonight because I don’t know where else to go. It’s 11:30 PM in China, and I am supposed to get up and work tomorrow morning. If you are reading this, you are about to hear some very candid details about my life. For this, I apologize.
I don’t really understand what it is about a broken heart that makes it so hard to mend. I guess it’s not like I can really stick a band-aid on it and keep the wound clean. Let’s be real – when it’s a broken heart, the wound can almost never be clean. In fact, half the time you are just involuntarily rubbing salt on it. Arbitrary things can bring up equally arbitrary memories. I can’t believe how far fetched it gets sometimes. One minute, I’m walking down the street in the freezing cold, and the next I’m sitting there wondering how my train of thought lead me to that time when we sat on a park bench frantically licking melted ice cream under the hot, beating sun. For fuck’s sake, just get me off this damn nostalgia train.
I try to think about why I feel so heartbroken, but I wonder after a while if that’s counterproductive. Is it better to think about it and deal with it, or not think about it at all and hope that it goes away? Why am I even hurt? Emotions are so irrational. Sometimes you just get hung up over the things that aren’t good for you. I long knew that I deserved someone better. By better, I didn’t mean anyone taller, or smarter, or cuter.. or any of those quantifiable traits.. all I want is someone who loves me, and someone who makes me feel like I’m worth something. I’m just like every other girl. Instead, I was in a relationship for almost a year with someone who explicitly told me that he did not love me. It’s embarrassing and sad. Whether I keep that fact to myself or share it with the world is totally irrelevant, I feel like shit about it regardless. Why did I not end it? In fact, I even fought to stay together when we broke up. I honestly wish I could explain this to you, but I have enough difficulty explaining it to myself.
I know this is a real over-share of a pity party and at this point I must be sounding pretty pathetic. No, I’m not intoxicated or on any drugs. Quite frankly, I’m really disappointed in myself for not being the woman that I thought I was. I never thought that I would see myself like this again, let alone over a man who didn’t even have anything emotionally invested. I feel like I’ve been through worse, and I can’t believe that I didn’t learn anything from those experiences. Here am I again. I’m positive that I have compromised my integrity. I’ve just always had trouble letting go.
When I left him, I cried. And by left, I mean physically, not emotionally. Emotionally speaking, he was gone long before I ever got on that plane. I wonder sometimes if he was ever even there. The last time that I saw him, I already knew that he had changed. He wasn’t the same. I still tried all that I could to pretend. Fake it till you make it, right? Wrong. That just left me crying alone on long commutes so I wouldn’t have to face him with tears in my eyes. I didn’t want him to know. “Of course I’m fine.” Wrong again. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t look at me anymore, or touch me the way that he used to. That was the part that hurt me the most. The whole time I just felt cheap. I really just wanted it to be the way it was, because I knew that I would probably never see him again after I left. Yet during those last weeks together, I came to realize that I was already looking at someone else, someone who didn’t want to me anymore.
If he’s moved on, why can’t I? Why am I stuck here?
I’ve been gone for two weeks now, but it still hurts.
